His Excellency Mr Anwar Gargash,
Minister of State for Foreign Affairs,
The United Arab Emirates.


Dear Mr Gargash,

All of us Pakistanis are in receipt of your expression of outrage over the decision of our sovereign Parliament, to NOT bend over this time, grab our ankles, and allow a conflict with which we have no connection whatsoever, to pummel us senseless.

Your dire warning of “grave consequences” has left us all shaken. Terrified. We’re literally quaking in our  boots. Now, we will no longer be able to enjoy your largesse, probably. No more swanky residences in Jumeirah, I guess. No more penthouse apartments in Burj Khalifa, either. Probably no more visits to the Dubai Cup, or the Desert Classic. Wait…I just remembered. NONE of those things applies to the lives of a vast majority of Pakistanis, anyways. It applies, at best, to the handful of political cronies, stooges, and yes-men of yours who have ruled our blighted country over the ages. Whew. Thank God. Your thinly-veiled threat of “grave consequences” doesn’t matter the SLIGHTEST to the majority of us, after all.

The few of us who HAVE visited the Middle East, have been duly received with scorn, disdain, and disrespect…as if we were borderline untouchables. So, in a way, I’m glad that you’re showing off your ugly – and very REAL – side to all of us. Before this announcement of yours, we were actually in two minds as to whether we mattered to you as “Muslim brethren”. I think no one amongst us harbours any such illusions, any longer.

In a way, I am glad, too, that our young men will no longer be able to build your glittering cities, our toddler children will no longer race your smelly camels, our womenfolk will not act as your maids, our people will not perform duties as servants and lackeys, and generally, do all those duties – as bonded labourers – that you and your ilk are incapable of doing, simply because you’re lazy, smug, self-aggrandizing, pompous, inefficient, incapable, and have actually no clue about how much you’re derided, scorned, and made fun of. Clearly, the lack of intellect that prompted your personal vitriolic outburst, comes into play in us formulating a poor opinion of you, and others like you. So…good riddance, Sir. Have a nice day.


Sincerely…an Average Pakistani.

P.S. Lay off our endangered wildlife too, you

P.P.S. That last line was from an Average Houbara Bustard of Pakistan.

For Pakistan