We just want you to know that the past 10 years have been a blast
Dear Tony Blair,
Hi. How are things? How’s life treating you?
You haven’t been in touch lately so we thought we’d sit down and write you a letter about how life’s treating us.
We understand in Britain that one prisoner absconds from jail every 43 hours. That must be scary.
Here in Mosul, the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant have just bust open the main jail and let everyone out at once.
There’s about 2,000 of them, and they were mainly in there for terrorism.
We hear that in your work as an international statesman and diplomat, with a profile burnished by pro bono work as a Middle East special envoy, you earn about £20million a year.
Wow! That’s a lot.
Here, ISIL have just made £237million in about five minutes by robbing the banks in our second city.
And they were already on £600,000 a month via extortion and blackmail.
According to your website you’ve got about six jobs, Google says you own seven or eight houses and you privately jet about the world a lot visiting media moguls, their wives, their ranches and their yachts.
Here we have 16% unemployment, 25% of us live under the poverty line , and the electricity hardly ever works because 90% of our power systems were destroyed in the 1991 Gulf War and what’s left has been sabotaged by insurgents.
We understand your eldest son recently married. Congratulations! Perhaps soon you will become a grandfather.
22% of Iraqi children born between 2008 and 2012 were medically “stunted”, according to UNICEF.
24% of children are married before they’re 18.
Oh, and one in 310 mothers will die in childbirth.
We agree with you that Saddam Hussein was “a profoundly wicked, I would say almost psychopathic man”.
He used chemical weapons against us, there were secret police, torture and mass executions. Brrr. Thank goodness we’re rid of him.
In the years since you deposed him , the Iraqi authorities elected after your war have carried out hundreds of secret executions and there have been 20 times the number of birth defects among our children which are attributed to depleted uranium in your weapons.
In the past few days there have been mass beheadings by ISIL. Life is so much better now.
Apparently a man called Sir John Chilcot was going to publish some letters you wrote, and now he’s decided he won’t.
That must be very worrying for you.
Here in Iraq, 23% of people cannot write letters at all because they’re illiterate. 22% have never been to school.
In some areas, 47% of women are illiterate.
But hey, at least Mr Chilcot can’t publish what they tell people!
Apparently 179 British soldiers – and one journalist, along with a French cameraman – died during the 2003 war.
We are sure this weighs on your conscience, all those lives. Awful.
The number of Iraqi deaths is guesstimated at 188,000 so far.
We’ve seen reports that the British taxpayer spends £250,000 a year on your security in case disgruntled Iraqis try to blow you up.
Tell Scotland Yard to save their money – we’re too poor, illiterate, exhausted, sick and under threat from extremists to come over there and hurt you!
We hear sad rumours that you are still criticised for the Iraq War , the dodgy dossier, and making such a mess of the Middle East that you’d be better described as a God of War than a peace envoy.
Just because you intervened in a Sunni-Shia row that’s been raging since the 7th century, removed the one unifying force in a nation of about six different ethnic groups, made a complete hash of the occupation which radicalised thousands and pulled out leaving us the 7th most corrupt nation in the world is no reason to beat yourself up.
Saddam and his boys were utterly monstrous, and thanks to your £1.1trillion war we now have a bunch of new and interesting monsters to deal with.
We’d love to introduce you to them if you ever come over this way.
Hope you like the oil, and thanks for all the fundamentalists!